Thursday, April 23, 2009


I have been reading a lot of blogs lately, stumbling across so many parents who are walking in hard and even horrible times. These parents have children who are ill, premature, or even have passed away. These parents are my heroes. I am in awe of the strength they have not just to walk it, but to share their stories so openly, they write it down and are ultimately able to pull through.

My mother has told me to stop reading these, and I don't know why I am drawn to these stories, but I am. I could easily just push it out of my mind and find other mothers' whose children are healthy and nothing is wrong, but that doesn't make what these amazing people are going through go away. I feel the urge to love them and pray for them, and I do.

I used to be such a strong christian, praying several times a day, Jesus walked with me and I talked to him all the time. Somewhere along the way, my heart was broken, I moved away for college and subsequently felt cut off from everything I knew. I became depressed, depleted, and instead of bringing me closer to God, I got lost. I have been clawing my way back home for years now but seem to have difficulty finding the 'time' to pray, and I keep finding things that ' I will do first', and somehow I can't seem to find my way home. These people, their strength, and their unwavering faith have been tugging me back. I am praying more, often for these precious children, their families and for God's will be done. Somehow, they are bringing me home, they are pulling me back to where I want and need to be.

I feel strangely connected to these people, I feel their pain deep in my heart, and I weep for each one of them. It is not because I like to cry, just the opposite actually. My heart wrenches for each child, for what they are going through, and when each one is called home. I know that going home to Jesus is a wonderful thing, and we should rejoice, but I mourn for the families, for the loss of time here on earth with their little angels. To see them grow, all their firsts, the things that all parents revel in, rejoice in, and shout from the rooftops about. I am not sure what God has in store for me, or why these families have become so important to me, but I will continue to pray for these amazing disciples. I do know that a part of God's plan for these people was for people like me, to show that God is good, even when you feel like He has left you, He actually helps you through it.

I have begun to be even more thankful for the little bundle we have finally been blessed with. Since I found out I was pregnant for Jonah, I have been giving him back to God. I thank the Lord for His precious gift, for answering my hearts' desire, my prayers, and I give him back to God. Jonah is not really mine, he was created by God through me, he is a part of me, but he is only given to me 'on loan' so to speak. One day, God will call him home too, just as He will call my husband and myself back too. I pray that I am not here to see Jonah's call back home, but it is not my decision. I give Jonah back to his true Father and ask that HE keep him safe from sickness and harm, and that He help me to be the best mother that He has called me to be. To be the mother that Jonah needs. I really am blessed and I pray that these amazing parents who are walking through such tough times are equally blessed, to witness a miracle, to see their loved ones that doctors don't expect a recovery from miraculously pull through. That the doctors are reminded that there is a much higher power in control.


  1. Dragonflyzinjune,
    You recently posted on my daugher's blog and asked if you could see baby Sage's nursery. I was curious and felt compelled to view your blog. I LOVED your post and I will call my daughter, Sage's mother, and ask her to read your last post. I'm THANKFUL you have followed our story and that you have felt uplifted and strengthened by it and by the amazing Faith of my beautiful daughter. She called me early this evening sobbing so hard that she couldn't speak. My husband and I rushed right over. She had been bathing the children and cleaning her bathroom when she found Sage's bath supplies. She new they were there but seeing them was too much. So we went over, we held her while she cried, listened to her poor out her broken heart and helped her pick up the supplies she had thrown. Then we prayed together and after awhile she felt strong enough to make it through another night. I share this with you because ALL of us need somebody and if reading the stories of these children is bringing you closer to the Father then by all means please keep reading. I cry when I'm alone to be strong for my daughter. I was with Sage nearly everyday of his life. I loved him so much and there was something special about him from the very beginning and it doesn't surprise me that the Father called him home he really truly was an angel on earth. Strangers felt drawn to him and even asked to hold him or photograph him.
    Now as for his nursery. I remember shopping for it with his mom and dad. They wanted his room to be perfect and it was. He shared a room with his brother Trey. After Sage died we gradually put all of his toys, swings, bouncers, bath tub and such in the room and moved Trey in with his brothers. I haven't photographed it since he passed but I will. I baby sat last week so Crystal and Spencer could get away. When all the kids were watching a movie or playing the Wii I went into Sage's room. The spirit of the Lord is so over powering in his room that it quite literally takes your breath away. I'm saddened because the sailboat quilt that was in his crib is still at the county coroners along with a little toy that sings and lights up. I think it was a seahorse. That stuff was taken for the investigation and we are waiting for it to be mailed back to us. What does one do wit the blanket their baby slept on and then passed away on? As I entered his room my breathing started comming in short gasps and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I could feel him there so strongly. I walked to the crib and gently ran my hand over the sheet on his mattress. I wound the mobile and it played the same tune his mommy's mobile played in her own crib 29 years ago. I went to the closet and saw all of his many outfits and was drawn to a little onesie that lay folded in a basket. I picked it up and smelled it and around the necks edge I could smell where he had spit up once. You never can get those completely clean after they spit up in them! But I never dreamed spit-up could smell so sweet. I sat in the rocking chair, the one I bought Crystal when she was pregnant with her first baby, and just prayed and meditated and felt of the spirit in his room. I new angel had been there to take our little angel home. I could still feel them. His room is so sacred to us. I know one day we will be able to move on and maybe another baby will sleep in that room one day. But for now his room, while sad, it brings us comfort and peace.
    Thank you for visiting my daughters blog. Thank you for being one of the many to post words of love and encouragement. Thank you for loving all of "His" children enough to care and above all thank you for your prayers.
    I know you said you used to feel Jesus walking with you everday. I'm so glad you are seeking him again and I know he walks with you again.

  2. PS: email me and I will send you some pictures of his room that were taken days before he was born. My email address is


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