I have been reading a lot of blogs lately, stumbling across so many parents who are walking in hard and even horrible times. These parents have children who are ill, premature, or even have passed away. These parents are my heroes. I am in awe of the strength they have not just to walk it, but to share their stories so openly, they write it down and are ultimately able to pull through.
My mother has told me to stop reading these, and I don't know why I am drawn to these stories, but I am. I could easily just push it out of my mind and find other mothers' whose children are healthy and nothing is wrong, but that doesn't make what these amazing people are going through go away. I feel the urge to love them and pray for them, and I do.
I used to be such a strong christian, praying several times a day, Jesus walked with me and I talked to him all the time. Somewhere along the way, my heart was broken, I moved away for college and subsequently felt cut off from everything I knew. I became depressed, depleted, and instead of bringing me closer to God, I got lost. I have been clawing my way back home for years now but seem to have difficulty finding the 'time' to pray, and I keep finding things that ' I will do first', and somehow I can't seem to find my way home. These people, their strength, and their unwavering faith have been tugging me back. I am praying more, often for these precious children, their families and for God's will be done. Somehow, they are bringing me home, they are pulling me back to where I want and need to be.
I feel strangely connected to these people, I feel their pain deep in my heart, and I weep for each one of them. It is not because I like to cry, just the opposite actually. My heart wrenches for each child, for what they are going through, and when each one is called home. I know that going home to Jesus is a wonderful thing, and we should rejoice, but I mourn for the families, for the loss of time here on earth with their little angels. To see them grow, all their firsts, the things that all parents revel in, rejoice in, and shout from the rooftops about. I am not sure what God has in store for me, or why these families have become so important to me, but I will continue to pray for these amazing disciples. I do know that a part of God's plan for these people was for people like me, to show that God is good, even when you feel like He has left you, He actually helps you through it.
I have begun to be even more thankful for the little bundle we have finally been blessed with. Since I found out I was pregnant for Jonah, I have been giving him back to God. I thank the Lord for His precious gift, for answering my hearts' desire, my prayers, and I give him back to God. Jonah is not really mine, he was created by God through me, he is a part of me, but he is only given to me 'on loan' so to speak. One day, God will call him home too, just as He will call my husband and myself back too. I pray that I am not here to see Jonah's call back home, but it is not my decision. I give Jonah back to his true Father and ask that HE keep him safe from sickness and harm, and that He help me to be the best mother that He has called me to be. To be the mother that Jonah needs. I really am blessed and I pray that these amazing parents who are walking through such tough times are equally blessed, to witness a miracle, to see their loved ones that doctors don't expect a recovery from miraculously pull through. That the doctors are reminded that there is a much higher power in control.