Apologies

Deepest Apologies

I had not posted in so very long, in truth I had actually forgotten about this blog.  Life goes so fast and I became so focused on other things that are happening in our lives that it slipped my mind.  Thank goodness my cousin happened to venture over here and told me about how this account was hacked and the many many posts that were spamming the blog.
I have deleted the spam and now that I am here, I hope to get back into posting again.

It has been quite some time and there is much to update.  We are now happily living in Quebec, I honestly never thought I would say that, but yes, we are happy here.  The city we currently live in is bilingual, so most of the people we come across speak both english and french.

The neighborhood is just amazing.  It is a relatively new build and though we are renting in an apartment, much of the neighboring homes are single homes, and some quite large.  In addition, much of the apartment buildings are actually condos and are owned.  For some reason, I have noticed that this really does make a difference in the kind of people you have as neighbors.  Most of them really care about the appearance and quality of neighborhood this is, making it a really friendly and quiet area to live.

The hard part had been that until last summer, there was no local parks for us to take Jonah to to play.  However, there is now two within walking distance and we enjoy our times there. Another problem is that as I still do not have my drivers license, I have a harder time going out and visiting friends and family whenever I want, making it so that I can only go when Stephane is available or if someone is able to give us a ride.  It has become a goal I intend to fulfill before my 40th birthday.

Jonah has grown so much and actually has started school this year.  I can't believe that he is already 5, actually he is is 5 years and 8 months.  He is handling the transition to school fairly well.  The first week, I cried as soon as he was in, but he never shed a tear.  The first day was the roughest, poor guy looked like a deer in the headlights, kind of shell-shocked all day.  Luckily for us, he is doing a gradual transition so for the first 3 weeks, he is half days and then we will add an hour to his day.  Then after another three weeks add another, and so forth.  We are close to adding his first extra hour, but I am sure he will do well.

One complication for Jonah that happened when we moved to Quebec is that our wait for extra help for him was not only put on hold but put in reverse in some ways.  We had already gotten the approval from First Words but because we are no longer in Ontario, they informed us that they could not help us.  So we went back to our doctor and got a new referral. 

He has finally, after three years, seen a speech therapist for four months but it also ended when school began.  She has helped to get the gears in motion with an assessment for possible autism.  Jonah has global delays, hand flaps and tends to hit himself in the crotch area when he is excited.  Sometimes running on the spot as well. 

Jonah did not start walking until he was 2.5 years, and it was a wonderful day for us all.   He has shown some fears, fears of falling and a possible fear of heights.  He is unsure on stairs and climbing is a rarity for him.  The new park has two climbers, one for younger children more toddlers age 2-3 years (I guess that is preschool not toddler, lol) and the other is school age, for children more 4-7 year olds.  He shows interest in those but as soon as he tries, he changes his mind.  He has begun to use the preschool climber more, but nothing extravagant.  We also tried to get him to play on a bouncy castle and he really wanted to, but as soon as he felt the movement there was no way he would go on it. 

We just had our first assessment for Jonah and they are hoping to do some tests, but in the meantime, he has been approved for aide in the school and we were able to drop off that letter.  I am so happy that he got the approval and so happy with the school for the help they are giving him.  He had no aide the past few weeks but they saw right away that he needed it, and were able to have him stay with another child who does have aide and he was able to get the extra help that way. 

Personally, another change has been in my struggle for weight loss.  I have always had a hard time to lose weight and after Jonah was born, I have not been able to shed the extra weight.  I have tried different things but to no avail.  I felt so frustrated and found myself ashamed to show my face outside.  I tend to want to hide and definitely do not want to run into anyone I know, especially someone from my past because I do not want anyone to see how much I have changed.  My doctor approved and referred me to a bariatric clinic and they have been working with me the past two years now to change some habits and start making positive changes.  My last appointment I was beyond ecstatic to find that I had lost ten pounds and also was approved for gastric bypass surgery.

I had no date but it was nice to know that i was approved.  I got the call this week and was given November 5 as a surgery date and I honestly began to panic.  It just got real, I mean really REAL.  I wish I didn't need something so severe to help me, but I cannot continue living this way.  I want to be able to run and play with Jonah, I want to be able to have energy to do more things with him.  I am going to look at this as a positive change, that life is going to get so much better afterwards. 

2015 is going to be an awesome year for me, a new leash on life.  New beginnings.  I have to trust in God that he has my life in his hands and that no matter what may come, everything is going to be ok. 

The Winds of Change

Wow, so much has happened, where to begin.

In May 2010, we had moved to a new apartment. We had high hopes of new beginnings, positive changes, and settling in for a few years. It was nothing of the sort. Just over a month later, we discovered that our dog, Charlie, was literally infested with fleas. He was my 'shadow' and best friend since he was 6 months old. Now 15, he was dealing with a fair amount of health issues. Arthritis, hearing loss, and I was sure he had had a stroke at one point. He had a massive growth on his chest and we knew it was only a matter of time...

When we discovered the fleas, I had been eaten too as he was always snuggling with me. We had thought that it would be easier on him if we had him put to sleep and we would deal with the flea issue in the apartment. I am convinced that the fleas were in the apartment prior to us moving in. I have had pets all of my life and until that moment, I had never had to deal with fleas - EVER. That is 34 years pest free!

I wanted to just go with the professionals but my hubby and our extended family really encouraged us to buy the spray cans from the vet and do it ourselves. Because Jonah is still not walking independently, we were not comfortable staying in the apartment until they were gone. We went through 3 cans and several home remedies before finally going with the professionals and the fleas finally being annihilated. That was a good 3 months of staying with family, some time at my mom's home and some time with my in-laws'. Three months of living out of a suitcase.

We were able to move back home just in time for winter, finally able to really start the grieving process. Finally able to settle into our 'new' home and live. Winter was COLD! It was a basement apartment, and tiny. We had thought it might be big enough but without storage and only 2 bedrooms, it was tight. We do want to have more kids, so we kept a lot of baby clothing and most baby items. That meant we stored these items in Jonah's room. Some boxes were never unpacked because we did not have anywhere to put them.

Another issue manifested itself, we found mouse droppings in the kitchen cupboards - the lower ones. We told our landlord and he put out traps in the mechanical & furnace room but to no avail. By February the little mouse was a fairly constant visitor. He/she was not shy either, it would make a racket while it went nosing through our recycle bin and garbage. We got into the habit of taking out the trash daily, but it still came round. There was a very evident hole in the wall and I was positive that that was it's doorway. Nothing was ever done about the hole. I even managed to get a photo and video of the little guy. The video didn't turn out - too dark, but you can hear it. The photo was good though.


It was almost comical. As you can see, we were very tight on space. The mouse would run along our hutch and literally launch itself into the garbage pail. You would hear a thud when it hit the bottom, some rustling and then it would climb up the garbage bag to get out.

By Christmas, we knew we would have to move again, there was simply not enough space. And the layout really didn't work for us. The kitchen was at the opposite end as the living room, at the onset, I liked this. I discovered that this was not good with a toddler. He would either scream the entire time I was out of the room preparing meals or get into mischief.

So, the hunt was on again. Come 2011, I began looking around to see what was out there. It didn't look promising. We had the option of a townhouse or an apartment, but with a townhouse, we would have to pay to heat all three levels. And being at the top of our budget, that was not doable. So that left apartments, but again, 3 bedroom apartments with storage were not easy to find, and the ones that we often did run into were either dives or at the top of our budget. That left one other option to consider. We live right by the 'border' between Ontario and Quebec, and there is always the battle of which province is better to live in. Every person has a very different opinion but it came down to, what was best for us. We did not want to have to pay at the top of our budget, nor did we want to lose our doctors. After checking with our doctors and all of them being ok with our move, we checked out what Quebec had to offer.

Having lived in Ontario all of my life, dealing with the english-french 'battle' this would be new territory for me. However, having had family live in Quebec, visited often, it is all land to me, all Canada, so what should it matter? My hubby grew up in Quebec, in the same house, all of his life, until we got married and moved to Ontario. So, for his family, the prospect of us moving to Quebec was exciting to them. Each time we hunted for a place, they encouraged a search of their area. I do not drive, so I needed to be closer, geographically, to my place of work as I used public transit. Now, being a home-maker, that is no longer an issue.

We looked at a total of 3 apartments in Quebec, the last one being the one we chose. It was built in 2010 -brand new- 3 bedrooms, ample storage, and much larger space. Situated in a more bilingual neighborhood, and a little less per month than the one we needed to vacate. The only downside, we would need to buy our own appliances. Of course we took it!

May 1st, we got the key and began our move. I don't like moving, hate the process actually. Organizing, packing, living in chaos, and doing it in a tiny apartment, was horrible. I don't want to do that again for a very, VERY long time. We completed the move, and I am so so so happy. The apartment is so nice, so large and feels like home. Everyday I get more and more settled, more things organized and unpacked, it's so exciting.

The last apartment never really felt like home, not really, it felt like a really long nightmare in some ways, a bad stop on the ride of life, but we have moved on. I will forever miss Charlie, and I will always feel horrible about how his last days were spent. I love you Charlie Bear!


These were taken in his youth

This was taken during my pregnancy. Charlie was sucking up.

These were taken during Charlie's last year. He was an awesome dog, he was great with Jonah and is deeply missed. I had typed up a letter that I sent to friends and family of his passing, I will post it later. Time to go and try to get some rest.

New Beginnings

Where has the time gone? I find that a whole year has already passed and I find myself back where I was this time last year. Preparing for another move and hopeful for new and positive beginnings. Reminiscing back on our last move I realize that we chose this apartment far to hastily and have paid dearly for our rush choices. This apartment was vacant when we walked through it and appeared to be far larger than it was. I had thought the lack of storage space would be ok and we would make it work. The neighborhood is a rougher end but I had heard they were trying to clean it up. We had little choice as this was also one of the more affordable places and seemed to be the nicest.
Since we moved in, we have learned our lesson in spades. A month after we settled in, we discovered that the apartment was riddled with fleas. In all of my 34 years, 24 of them were as a pet owner and until we moved in here, I had never, yes NEVER, had to deal with fleas. I was getting bit on my feet and legs from the knees down, but passed it off as a summer affliction of mosquitoes or something. But I began to notice that our dog, our first 'baby', Charlie was shedding far more than I had ever seen and he was scratching a lot. He was scratching to the point where he was crying and I began to wonder. I finally took a good look and found that he was covered in fleas. He was an older dog, a lab mix at the age of 14, going on 15, he had a few growths and I had noticed that his balance was going and we had talked that it was probably time...
We had thought that we may as well do it now, end his obvious suffering. But now I find myself with the loss of one of my dearest friends. He was my companion for almost 15 years and I miss him terribly and I feel horrible about how his last days were spent.
I did not have much time to deal with the loss as we were thrown into the monumental task of ridding our home of fleas. We tried many ways, sunlight, spray cans you buy at the vet, and non worked. We bombed our apartment 3 times and stayed with family for 3 months. The final bomb was a professional and it was the time that finally worked.
Once we were finally home, we tried to put our lives back together without my shadow. It was not long before we were faced with the fact that this apartment was just not large enough for us. Due to the lack of storage and space, we barely had enough room for us, let alone to consider having any more children.
Come 2011, we began our hunt for another home. I like having a new space but I HATE moving. I hate living out of boxes, the insanity of it all and the stress, but it was more than necessary.
We soon learned that to get a larger, 3 bedroom, either apartment or house, that was nice and I could see us living in, we had to pay more. The cost of our space would rise EASY another 200 a month. We were faced with a choice and we began searching in Quebec, another province but still close. There we found our new place. It is a much larger, 3 bedroom, brand new build and is actually slightly less per month than we are currently paying. I am beyond excited to get into our new space, to make it ours, to settle in and feel at home. I never really felt at home here. To top it off we have furry friends. I know that there is at least one and I cannot get out fast enough.
Jonah is doing well, he is happy, and learning new words each day. He is already 2 but still not walking. Through physio we have discovered that it is all in his head. He is using all the muscles needed to walk and has even bypassed walking, meaning he is doing some things that toddlers don't usually do until after they are walking. Now it is a waiting game, the ball is totally in his court and he is holding it. Just waiting on him.

Time Flies

Where has the time gone? I realize that I have not posted an entry in several months and I now have so much to say I don't know where to begin. I can't get over how fast time flies, and now that I am a parent, it is very apparant.

Jonah has celebrated so many firsts since my last post and each one was such a blessing to be a part of. His first Thanksgiving was wonderful, celebrated with almost all of our family. It breaks my heart to think that it will also likely be his last one with all the family, but that is a long drawn out story that is not important.

Christmas was so wonderful, the entire season leading up to it was such a joy and really helped to build the anticipation. We began with decorating our home and our annual tradition of dinner at a local restaurant with family.

We visited a local town, Smith Falls, to see the 'Holiday Train'. VIA rail decorates a train with christmas lights, music and of course Santa. It was quite an experience.

My DH's family goes all out decorating for christmas and I began to have some fun with it. This christmas is such a special one for his entire family as it is the first one with little ones. There has been 3 new arrivals in the span of 6 months, Jonah in January, Mathis in February, and Tali in July. Once the decorating was complete, I had some fun with my camera and the little ones.

Tali & her Mommy

This christmas was going to be tight for us, and I had been trying to think of what to give to loved ones that would be very affordable, but thoughtful and touch their hearts. I came up with the idea to try to make gift cd's for family. Not just any old cd, I worked for 2 weeks compiling pictures, then using Windows Movie Maker to create the story of the past year, complete with caption, music, videos, and then finally burning it to a dvd so that it would be playable on any standard dvd player. For my inlaws, the dvd focused on the 3 new arrivals, and copies were made for each member. For my mother, the focus was on our journey into parenthood. The dvd's were a hit with everyone.

I toyed with the idea of bringing Jonah to see Santa. I am now thinking of how we will teach Jonah about christmas. The reason for the season is the focus for sure, but do I want to elimate Santa? I never liked seeing santa as a child, I was shy and didn't like sitting on a strange persons' lap. However, my inlaws go all out. Every christmas my father-in-law dresses as Santa for the gift exchange, and he hands out the gifts to each person {but the beard and hat get tossed by the time he is done}. We decided to take him to see santa afterall, and Jonah enjoyed the experience.

Santa Shots

My mother came for a visit on Christmas Eve. My DH's family is French Canadian and their tradition is to celebrate christmas on Christmas Eve. I was not sure how we would work it with the little ones as the gift opening begins so late, but Jonah and Tali (Mathis lives further away) are both quite young still and their schedule is not routine yet, so we still did Christmas Eve beginning at 8pm. Jonah wound up falling asleep at 9pm but woke up at 1am, so we just waited on him to open his gifts and continued with everyone else in the meantime. Tali was actually awake right through, what a trooper.

With Nana

On Christmas Day, we slept in, then after dressing up, did a small exchange of our own (the focus on Jonah of course) and then ran out to do a small exchange with my brother, his fiance, and her family. Afterwards, we ran out to visit my DH's family once again as Mathis and his parents were coming into town. Another gift exchange, followed by dinner and celebrations.

With Uncle Jason & Aunt Kelli with Mathis Boxing Day

One big development in the past few months is Jonah's Torticollis. He was diagnosed with Torticollis at 5 months, however I noticed it at 3 months. I had brought it up with his pediatrician, Dr. R. and she insisted he was fine. I trusted her, she is the professional, right?! Wrong! One thing I have learned as a parent, Trust your Instincts. At the time (3months), he had a hard time keeping his head upright and it would often lop to his shoulder. By 5months he could barely keep his head off his shoulder. I finally had enough and brought him to another doctor, Dr. C., and after looking him over, agreed with me and referred us for physiotherapy. Within 2 weeks, physio had begun, and Dr. R. was informed of it - and not happy with us at all. Needless to say, we are hoping that Dr. C. will take Jonah as one of his patients.

By December I finally decided to talk to the therapists about another concern. Tali, 6months Jonah's junior, was beginning to bypass him physically. I know that all children are different and he would eventually learn the skills, but when she began to do things he still cannot, I knew I was right again. I asked if he was delayed and they agreed he was and offered to work with us in that as well. Our first physio for his physical delays was on Christmas Eve. Two days later, he finally began sitting on his own - at 11.5 months old, however he is still unable to sit himself. We are working to teach him the skills to pull himself into a sitting position and eventually to stand.

I have learned that in the past two weeks, Mathis is now walking and Tali is now crawling everywhere. Jonah doesn't crawl on all fours, he rolls his way everywhere. I know that rolling is a form of crawling, but I see now it was hisway of getting around when he wasn't able to crawl. I can't help but feel horrible. I feel responsible in a way, as I am his mother, he was created in me, I am his caregiver, I can't help but feel responsible. I feel bad for my DH, for Jonah's grandparents (that their grandson has developmental delays), and mostly I feel horrible for Jonah because this has set him so far behind his peers. The standard response by everyone is, all babies develop at different rates and he WILL get it, but that does not help. Those words are why I waited 2 extra months before getting the Torticollis diagnosed, those words are why I waited another 5 months before broaching the subject of his phsyical delays. Those words are not a get out of jail free card and they no longer hold true when Jonah is concerned.

Jonah has made some amazing accomplishments where his Torticollis is concerned. It is virtually gone now and I have some shots to show the changes.

3months

Dr. R. thought he was fine....

8 months 12 months

Cloth Diapers

When I was pregnant for Jonah, my husband and I looked into cloth diapers. We were overwhelmed with the sheer volume of options available today. Gone are the days when you just need several yards of fabric, some pins, a few plastic covers and a diaper pail. No, today there are soooo many kinds to choose from. There are flats (like my mom used on my siblings and myself), pre-folds, and so many other choices. There is also organic choices. There are wet bags, there are liners, doublers, different kinds of covers....and the price adds up quite fast. Now that Jonah is 7 months old, we are getting close to being able to afford to make the switch to cloth.

I KNOW it is a lot of work, I am prepared for that, I don't mind doing laundry more often, I enjoy folding my son's clothing, I love making sure everything is ready to be used. Often when I know we are going somewhere, I will get Jonah's bag ready right away, even a week in advance. I rest easy knowing he is ready, otherwise I will think about it all the time. Who am I kidding? I think about what he will need anyway, I just keep going over a mental checklist, making sure I didn't forget anything.

I feel sick when I think about what we have done to the earth, how much damage we have done and I wish I could do more. Cloth diapering would be doing more, a LOT more. Yes, it uses more water because you do laundry more often, but when you weigh it against the damage that disposable diapers are doing to the environment....using more water is not that bad. Also, Jonah is very fair and has quite sensitive skin. He gets red marks from the smallest things, his eyes get beet red when he sneezes, cries, gets tired, or coughs. He has dermatitis/eczema, so we have had to alter the creams, lotions, and soaps we use for him. When he had a strange mark on his eye, it was deemed an allergic reaction to something in the air. I think that cloth diapers may just be better for him.

I wanted to use a kind that would be more affordable, but simple. We are trying out flats (cotton/flannel cloth folded in the oragami fold) but I don't like how bulky they make his bottom look. I have just learned about contoured or fitted cloth diapers and think that that will be the way to go.

Milestones

I never mentioned this before, but my son has Torticollis. When he was two and a half months, I noticed that he did not have much neck strength. I pushed tummy time but was met with a screaming child. He HATED tummy time (now I understand why), though I still made him do it. When I saw how strong his cousin was (who was a month younger than him) I started to wonder.... The day he had his 3 month photos done at Sears, started the ball rolling. The woman who did his photos asked if he has a weak neck. I immediately began to panic, her question just voiced my own worries. I know that children all develop differently, and that is what I told myself to stop my worries.

A week later, at Jonah's doctor appointment, I asked his pediatrician about it. She looked him over and said that she felt he was fine, to not worry. Just to give you an idea, here is a picture of him I took around the same time...at three and a half months;

When I look at that picture, I am still in shock that his pediatrician thought he was fine. I see clearly that there is something VERY wrong with his neck! However I tried to tell myself to trust her, she was a professional, but a month later, I noticed how bad it had become, he couldn't keep his head up, I would straighten it, but it would flop back down. I KNEW. I called his pediatrician and she had not gone in that day, no one covering for her, and if I wanted to, I could wait until 4pm to come in to the walk in. NO WAY! I called our GP, she had no openings, however there IS a pediatrician in her office and he said he was willing to squeeze us in, but we had to be there soon as he was leaving for the day. We rushed in, and after a thorough examination, he agreed with us. Jonah has a weak neck. This pediatrician, I will call him Dr. C, said that he would refer us for physio before leaving for the day and send the information to our pediatrician as well. We were called and given an appointment that was only 2 weeks away.

At physio, we began with an information session where they explained in great detail what Torticollis is and followed up with a thorough examination of each child present (there were 6 in total). The children's photos were taken in different positions and they were checked to see how they held their heads at all different angles, followed by a physical examination to check the flexibility of their neck muscles. Of the 6 children, one child was fine, nothing wrong, and was told that they can go right away. 4 others were given different tips to help in their day-to-day lives. Jonah was the only one with a tight neck muscle. He DOES have Torticollis, AND has a tight muscle in his neck on his left side (very visible in the picture). I felt relief. I was happy that I was not crazy, an overly worrysome mom. I KNEW something was not right, we now know what it is and are taking steps to correct it.

Torticollis is a shortening and/or weakness of the neck (the sternocleidomastoid muscle - the muscle that works to tilt and turn the head). This is now very common in babies but has a good prognosis. When caught early enough, through excersises and positioning, can be reversed. Often this is accompanied with a change in the head shape (Jonah has a slight flat spot). Jonah will be followed closely until he is sitting independantly (like all babies with Torticollis).

A few weeks later (the end of July) we had a follow up at physio. After working on stretching excersises with Jonah for several weeks, we learned that the tightness is gone! WOO HOO!! We no longer have to do the stretching excersises, we just need to encourage him to use his neck muscles, through tummy time, sitting upright and standing.

Another piece of information I learned. Tummy time is not just to help strengthen the neck, it also helps to lengthen the esophagus which will stop reflux!! I did not know that, yet another good reason for tummy time.

The next time we saw the pediatrician, a week after our first physio, I informed her of all that had transpired since our last visit. He had another UTI scare, diagnosed with Torticollis, allergic reaction in his eye, I think there was more but I can't remember right now what. Things that I thought she should be aware of, you know, because she is HIS DOCTOR!?!? Well, she was curt, short and couldn't get out of there fast enough. I don't know if she even heard any thing. I was NOT impressed, I was not being chatty.

Anyways....here is a photo of Jonah taken just yesterday, so much better! I mentioned that I noticed when he gets tired, his head will start to tilt again, and they informed me that it always will. When you get tired, you relax. Normal.

Yesterday, Jonah had his 6month round of needles, a month behind because of his UTI's. At, he has been feeling off, spitting up more often, and more feverish. Even when he is not feeling well, he is always in good spirits, it amazes me. We are so blessed to have such a wonderful little boy, well worth the wait, 28 years since I decided that my biggest ambition would be to become a mommy ( I was 5). Yesterday, Jonah reached another milestone, he sat on his own for a whole minute!! WAY TO GO!! I was beaming with pride. His pediatrician was there for it and she was beyond happy with his progress!

Sleep....

It has been a long time since my last post. So much has happened, we started swimming 'lessons' and Jonah LOVES swimming. Why they call it swimming lessons, I have no idea, he is not learning any skills, all we are doing is helping our babies be more comfortable in the water. Jonah is a little fish in the making....started kicking in his first 'lesson'.

Jonah and Daddy ->

My sister-in-law had her first baby, Tali. Tali was born 15 days early, 6lbs3oz, a true Canadian, born at 10:15pm on Canada Day. Delivery was long and difficult, and Mommy was in a LOT of pain afterwards. She informed me that the doctor had offered her a C-section but she turned it down. Both mother and child almost did not make it. I asked her a few weeks after if she would be considering a c-section for her next, and she said no. She said that the emotions that she experienced in child birth were awesome and that she would do it all over again to get the same experience. At first, I thought she was crazy. Afterwards, I thought about it and I completely understand how she feels.

Tali->

I didn't get to push my son out, we ended up as a c-section, but I did push for 2.5 hours and had a taste of the emotions that she experienced. I know that had I refused my c-section, Jonah may not have survived, and I wouldn't change my own choices either. It does have me re-thinking the attempt of a v-bac delivery....I know that I am tough, that I heal well, and that I can handle a great amount of pain, but what of the risks.... Jonah would not decend, he was too big, and face up, and my pelvis was too small, would an attempt only end up the same way?

Getting to the point of this post, sleep. Ah, sleep, I remember when I would go to sleep and sleep for close to 12 hours (when I didn't have to work the next day), or when I was tired and would just go back to bed for a nap the next day....those days are long gone. I now have a 7 month old, turning exactly 7 months tonight at 7:41pm!! My how time flies. I have found that I now do so many things that I SWORE I would NOT do as a parent. I used to believe strongly in circumcision....I couldn't bring myself to have our son done, in the end, I believe in not messing with God's design.. ;-) I would TRY breastfeeding but had no plans on being a hero {I wound up breast feeding through delayed milk, 2 blebs, thrush, and cracked nipples - now I am not sure when I will attempt to wean}. I swore I would make sure my baby was used to sleeping on their own from the get-go, and I would NEVER bring my baby to bed with me. Well, I held Jonah so much, I rocked him, I cuddled him, I loved on him so much that he loves to be in our arms. He wants to be rocked and nursed to sleep, and often ends up in our bed during the night. I sleep so much better when he is there with me and so does he.

So many people have given their opinions on sleep training, and I have taken it all in. He should have been trained to sleep on his own by now apparantly, but I can't seem to stand to hear him cry. I never knew the depths of a mothers' connection to their infant. It actually hurts, DEEP, to hear him cry. I placed him in his crib this evening with his mobile, and he was happy. I told him that I was going to take a shower but would be right back. Almost as soon as I was in the shower, he began to cry. I continued my shower, albeit a hurried one now, calling out to him to let him know I was still here, and on my way. I am not sure how long the shower lasted, maximum of 10 minutes - but Jonah was so upset by the time I got out. I threw on a nightgown and rushed to him, telling him he was ok, I was here. I picked him up and comforted him. He was calmed pretty fast, but I was not so easy to soothe.

I rocked him and upon hearing his deep signs, the kind that follow a good cry, and began to nurse him. He was calmed and after a few minutes was smiling at me. I found myself crying as I comforted my son, I couldn't get over just how deeply it affected my heart to hear/see my son so upset. How do other mothers' find the strength to let their babies' CIO (Cry It Out)??? Aside from my shower today, my record is 30 seconds....

I know that there has to be another way, do children just figure it out on their own and wean themselves? I found myself praying to God, asking Him to guide Jonah and myself as we figure out this part of our journey.